Humor is not Uniform . . .

(Thanks Mr. Anuj, for forwarding me these)

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... "

--Sir Norman Wisdom

" One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."

--Edgar Watson Howe

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! "
--Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
--Eric Bolton

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
--Erno Philips

" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
--Robert Paul

" We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
--Phyllis Diller

" Laughter is the closest distance between two people. "
--Victor Borge

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
--W.C. Fields

" Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
--Will Rogers

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
Mickey Rooney

" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. "
--Tim Allen

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks."
--Rita Rudner

" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
--Woody Allen

" Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
--Erica Jong

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
--Elbert Hubbard

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. "
--Wendell Johnson

" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
--Joey Adams

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
--Henry Youngman

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? "
--Benny Hill

" Nothin is Impossible in this world. The word Impossible itself says I'm Possible"
--Hussain Bhindarwala