Monday, October 31, 2005

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, is a very interesting and spell binding book about the life of a boy who is in search of hidden treasures in the Egyptian pyramids.

Santiago, a shepherd boy, who dreams of seeing the world, is compelling in its own right, but gains resonance through the many lessons he learns during his adventures. The story is told in the form of a fairy tale and really makes one wonder, if it can be true. The story has in it some drama, tension, wisdom, decision making, convictions, hard work, dedication, self-empowerment and over coming of depressions and main theme of the whole story ‘Believing in dreams and making that a reality’.

When I started to read the book, I forget the world I was in and could only rest after finishing the book.

I definitely vouch for this book and thank Aditya and Mercy for suggesting me about the book and making me buy it.

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The Alchemist presents a simple fable, based on simple truths and places it in a highly unique situation. And though we may sniff a bestselling formula, it is certainly not a new one: even the ancient tribal storytellers knew that this is the most successful method of entertaining an audience while slipping in a lesson or two. Brazilian storyteller Paulo Coehlo introduces Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who one night dreams of a distant treasure in the Egyptian pyramids. And so he's off: leaving Spain to literally follow his dream.

Along the way he meets many spiritual messengers, who come in unassuming forms such as a camel driver and a well-read Englishman. In one of the Englishman's books, Santiago first learns about the alchemists--men who believed that if a metal were heated for many years, it would free itself of all its individual properties, and what was left would be the "Soul of the World." Of course he does eventually meet an alchemist, and the ensuing student-teacher relationship clarifies much of the boy's misguided agenda, while also emboldening him to stay true to his dreams. "My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy confides to the alchemist one night as they look up at a moonless night.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself," the alchemist replies. "And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." --Gail Hudson

Sunday, October 30, 2005

CoInCiDeNcE !!!

I was just going thru the net and found this:

Please do not be jealous….

Visit this link: http://www.arun.gov.uk/

Arun District is situated in the middle of the West Sussex coastal plain. To the north, the South Downs rise from 200 feet to a maximum of about 700 feet beyond the district boundary, before falling steeply to the broad Sussex Weald.

Arun covers an area of 22,811 hectares (85 square miles), has 23.3 kilometers (14.5 miles) of coastline in the south and almost half the district is included within the South Downs Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

Running through the District is the River Arun, which reaches the sea at Little Hampton and divides the area into two roughly equal parts. Between the foot of the Downs and the sea lies a flat coastal plain, where most of the District\’s urban development has taken place.

Nostradamus ....

I have been thinking of posting about this for a long time and just now found the right stuffs.

I have watched (couple of years back) videos, documentaries and also the movies 'The Man who saw 2moro', made me very interested and I kept checking the websites on some additional news and articles.

I am not sure, whether u will believe or even r inteested in 'Nostradamus' stuff, but I do... although I have not gone thru much books or reading materials, I personally feel that people have not been able to uncover the writings, and they have been trying to match the events with the writings. So....

Some more reasons that Nostradamus' writings are difficult to understand and interpret include:

  • use of language that was, even when written, archaic.
  • use of anagrams and unknown names.
  • use of astrological or mythological references.
  • inconsistent spelling.
  • nonstandard word order.

A quatrain is simply a poem with 4 lines.

The rhymed quatrains of Nostradamus were written mainly in French with a bit of Italian, Greek, and Latin thrown in. He intentionally obscured the quatrains through the use of symbolism and metaphor, as well as by making changes to proper names by swapping, adding or removing letters. The obscuration is claimed to have been done to avoid his being tried as a magician. Of course a skeptic might say it was done so the quatrains could be interpreted to fit numerous situations.

An example of one of his more famous quatrains is from Century #2 Quatrain #24. The French and English versions are as follows:

Bestes farouches de faim fleuues tranner;
Plus part du champ encontre Hister sera,
En cage de fer le grand fera treisner,
Quand rien enfant de Germain obseruera.

Beasts ferocious from hunger will swim across rivers:
The greater part of the region will be against the Hister,
The great one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage,
When the German child will observe nothing.

So does Hister actually refer to Hitler? An instance of Nostradamus changing letters around? Is this a reference to Germany during WWII?

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for info: http://www.activemind.com

http://www.crystalinks.com

Hurricanes are like women:


when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car.
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

psas it on..............

JuSt A tHoUgHt

" It takes a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone. . . "

Radio Conversations

A pilot gets disoriented and desperately calls ATC for help. He has to be actually talked out of an inverted flight position.

Click on the link to listen to some radio conversation between pilot & Air Traffic Controllers

http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/flightassist.mp3


HuMoR !.!.!.

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad,where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
---------------------------------------
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
---------------------------------------
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
--------------------------------------
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
--------------------------------------
Anuj's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying,
"Anuj seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day,
"If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
---------------------------------------

Is that the...answering machine
The perfect messages to leave on your answering machine....

**** Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

**** Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

**** My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also very happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
------------------------------------------

The College Special...

A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
-----------------------------------------
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.

Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
-------------------------------
< = x = x = x = x = x = >

Not everyone knows Golf !!

To all those people who waste their major part of their lifetime on a golf course and also know about BMW's perfection.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle, As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Intersting scriptures from Bible:

+ Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still;
teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Proverbs 9:9,10 NIV

+
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.

The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright:
but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

Proverbs 15:1,2 KJV

Checking Your Emotions !!!

I received this article from Mercy, and I surely enjoyed reading this...

Why We Lash Out

Each one of us has experienced situations where we've found ourselves lashing out at someone without meaning to. We later berate ourselves for losing control and feel guilty for treating the other person badly. And while it is human nature that our emotions and moods will get the better of us from time to time, we can learn to navigate our feelings and negotiate difficult situations without losing our center.

Often, when we lash out, it is because we are having a difficult time containing the emotions that are coming up inside of us. We may be feeling overwhelmed, afraid, frustrated, stressed out, or angry. Having these feelings boiling up inside of us can be very uncomfortable, and it is natural to want to release them. But when we release our feelings from our body by directing them outward and toward someone else, they inevitably impact the "innocent bystander" to whom we are directing this energy. They not only get the brunt of our anger, frustration, or stress, but also they can actually experience this energy as a physical force hitting their bodies.

When you find yourself in a situation where you are about to lash out at the person in front of you, try to center yourself by breathing slowly and deeply. A few slow inhales and exhales can help dissipate the intensity of your feelings before they escape you. Later, when you find yourself in a more reflective state, sit down for a moment; recall the feelings in your body just before and during your outburst; note where you feel sensations coming up in your body; and ask yourself if they are connected to any core issue or experience from your life. If nothing comes to mind, then revisit the situation again, exaggerating the details of what happened by indulging in outlandish "what if" fantasies. Exaggerating events after the fact can help expose the unconscious subtext behind your heated response. Understanding the motivation behind your reactions can help you avoid lashing out again when a similar situation comes up. In learning to navigate around your emotions, you are gi! ving yourself the tools to feel better the next time your emotions start to boil. In doing so, you will be taking care of yourself by alleviating your own uncomfortable feelings while respecting and protecting those around you.

source: http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/browse/browse.cgi

Good one..

Go ahead and smile because you will get a kick out of this one!... No Arms - no suicide?

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?”

He replied;, "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

How M S Oberoi became India's greatest hotelier?

I was researching India's Industrialists when I met Mohan Singh Oberoi (1900-2002) for the first time. It was 1982, he was no longer a young man. Courtly as always, he offered to make my job easier.

He would write a note on himself, which I could use as background material. The note arrived a week later and lay among my notes for the next twenty years.

As the managing editor of The Smart Manager, it gives me immense pleasure to publish this short autobiography as a tribute to India's greatest hotelier.

The Oberoi Group, founded in 1934, owns and manages thirty hotels and five luxury cruisers across six countries under the 'Oberoi' & 'Trident' brands. The activities of the Group include airline catering, management of restaurants and airport bars, travel and tour services, car rental, project management and corporate air charters.


M S OberoiI was born on August 15, 1900 in a small village, Bhaun in district Jhelum, which now forms a part of Pakistan. The story of my life has been, in many ways, a dramatic one -- full of difficulties and hardships, in earlier days and later a spectacular rise to the position I now hold.

But this was not achieved without incessant toil and a daily fight against tremendous odds. Yet it was a challenge to prove myself. When I look back to those days, as I sometimes do, in moments of leisure, I am thankful that I was able to accept this challenge and make good.

These reflections also make me feel humble for I realise it was with God's help that I achieved what the world calls 'success.'

My father, Shri A S Oberoi was a contractor in Peshawar, who died when I was only six months old. The family consisted of my mother and myself. My earlier days were spent in the little village of my birth. I began my education at the village school. Later, I was sent to the nearby town of Rawalpindi and enrolled in the DAV school from where I matriculated.

After this I went to Lahore to join college and passed my Intermediate Examination. My studies were cut short as our already meagre finances began to dwindle. This was a moment of anxiety in my life as I realised that my qualifications would not get me a job.

However, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to Amritsar, stayed with him and took a course in shorthand and typing.

There was still no job for me on the horizon and I decided to get back to my village, where it would be easier to live than in a big city. There followed a point of waiting and frustration. My uncle helped me to get a job in the Lahore Shoe Factory. My work was to supervise the manufacture and sale of shoes.

For a while, things looked brighter but the star of ill luck was still in the ascendant and soon the factory was closed down for lack of finances and I was compelled to return to my village.

In India the importance attached to marriage is beyond all reason. Here I was penniless, jobless and almost friendless, but in spite of these very real disadvantages, my marriage was arranged with the daughter of Shri Ushnak Rai, who belonged to my village. I think my bright looks may have influenced my father-in-law.

I like to think that in spite of other shortcomings I was a smart lad and he probably assessed that I would make good. The days immediately following my marriage were spent with my in-laws in Sargodha.

On my return to Bhaun, a virulent plague epidemic had broken out. My mother told me that since I could not do any-thing to help in such a situation, I should go back to Sargodha and not risk my life.

Plague, in those days was a terrible killer and people naturally dreaded an epidemic, which often wiped out villages. Sadly, I left full of apprehension about my future.

In this mood of depression, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper for the post of a junior clerk in a government office. With Rs 25 in my pocket, which my mother had given me, I left for Simla to appear for the examination.

Unprepared as I was, I was unable to pass. This did not lessen my depression. My time was now spent walking around Simla and rambling in the countryside. Being the summer seat of the government of India, the town itself was full of high-ranking officers and members of the Viceroy's Council.

But the hillsides, beyond officialdom were beautiful and there were many walks where one could be alone with one's thoughts.

One day, as I was passing the Hotel Cecil, I suddenly had the urge to go in and try my luck. Those were the days when this hotel was one of India's leading hotels, high class and elegant. It was owned by the line of Associated Hotels of India.

As I entered, I found the manager himself in the foyer. I did not know who he was but one becomes bold in the face of difficulties. I had nothing to lose, so I went up and asked if I could have a job in the hotel.

The manager was a kindly English gentleman named D W Grove. I was also given the post of billing clerk at Rs 40 a month. Soon, my salary was raised to Rs 50.

At my request, on the plea of being married, I was also given living quarters. These were situated on the outer periphery of the hotel and were very humble indeed. When my wife joined me in Simla, we started to settle down in our modest home.

Here we were faced with the necessity of cleaning the place ourselves. The quarters were in a bad shape and far from clean, but we were thankful to have a roof over our heads.

We had to whitewash the walls ourselves, causing blisters on my hands and the consequent discomfort and embarrassment for me in the hotel work.

Soon after I joined the Cecil, there was a change of management. Mr Clarke succeeded Mr Grove as manager. For the first time a small piece of luck came my way.

My knowledge of stenography helped me take over the post of cashier and stenographer to Mr Clarke, and thus began my grounding on how hotels run. I worked and maintained an interest in my job. The fact that I knew my efforts were noted encouraged me.

It was while I was working in this capacity that Pandit Motilal Nehru came to stay at the Cecil, which was his usual place of residence when he came to Simla. He was then leader of the newly formed Swaraj Party but known throughout the country for having renounced a princely law practice to participate in the Freedom Movement with Mahatma Gandhi.

Panditji had an important report, which needed to by typed speedily and with care. I sat up all night to complete the report and when I delivered it to him the next morning, he took out a hundred-rupee note and handed it to me with a word of thanks.

I am an emotional person and had received little kindness in my short life. This gesture of Panditji's brought tears to my eyes and I quickly left the room.

I could not have guessed then that I had met the father of the future prime minister of India, and that I myself would be one day a Member of Parliament during his leadership. One hundred rupees, which the wealthy throw away, was for me a fortune and made a big difference in my salary.

So high was the purchasing power of the rupee that I was able to buy a wristwatch for my wife, clothes for our baby and a much needed raincoat for myself.

In 1924, Mr Clarke decided to go into the hotel business for himself. His contract with the Associated Hotels of India had just ended. He obtained a catering contract for the Delhi Club and asked me if I could join him. I readily accepted the offer. My salary was now Rs 100.

The Delhi Club contract was only for a year and Mr Clarke soon began looking around for new business. The Carlton Hotel in Simla was in liquidation. Mr Clarke was eager to lease it but guarantors were required.

Here I was able to help and thus discharge a part of the moral debt, which his kindness and consideration in the past had placed upon me.

I approached some of my relatives and friends who had means to assist with their co-operation. The Clarkes Hotel in Simla was opened. After five years, Mr Clarke decided to retire and sell out the hotel. He made me an offer saying he would prefer someone who could maintain the tradition and efficiency of the hotel to run it.

Acceptance meant that I would have to mortgage my few assets and my wife's jewellery in order to raise the necessary funds. However, I did not hesitate long.

The opportunity seemed almost a Godsend, as we Indians are a superstitious people. I took over the proprietorship of Clarkes Hotel with the help of a kind uncle who had stood by me in the past. I was now established in the Hotel business.

It is a strange coincidence that nearly every turn in my life has been associated with an epidemic of some sort. In 1933 there had been a cholera epidemic of vast proportions in Calcutta (now Kolkata). The Grand Hotel had been closed ever since, as more than a hundred foreign guests had died. People were afraid to visit Calcutta.

I happened to see the advertisement placed by the liquidators and immediately decided to take over the hotel if I could get in on low leasehold.

The price asked was Rs 10,000 rent a month plus compensation for the goodwill. In return I demanded compensation for the ill will generated by the hotel.

The rent was then dropped to Rs 7,000 a month. I agreed to this figure and had the place cleaned up and refurnished. With the outbreak of the Second World War in 1939, Calcutta was full of troops. The British Army was frantically trying to find accommodation.

I immediately improvised 1,500 beds for the troops at Rs 10 per head for board and lodging. I also appointed Mr Grove, who had been my first employer at the Cecil Hotel where he had engaged me on Rs 50 a month, on a monthly salary of Rs 1,500.

Taking over a cholera-ridden hotel had been a landmark in my career. The fact that I converted it and helped the Army in the time of stress and difficulty had come to the notice of the government. In 1941, I was awarded the title of Rai Bahadur by the government of India in recognition of the services to the Indian Hotel Industry.

From now on my good luck was assured and gradually I went on increasing the scope of my activities with, I hope benefit to many and much fulfilment to myself. Everything I did prospered.

In 1943, I bought out the controlling shareholdings of Associated Hotels of India Limited from Spencer & Company borrowing capital against the security of shares of the same company. In this way, I gained control over a big chain of hotels with establ-ishments in Rawalpindi, Peshawar, Lahore, Muree and Delhi.

I employed as one of my general managers, the son of my former boss in Simla, Mr Falleti. The wheel had turned a full circle. I gradually added more hotels to my chain in Darjeeling, Chandigarh and Kashmir. I began to think of building my own hotels, and the first attempt was a small hotel in Gopalpur-on-Sea, in Orissa.

India was now independent. Horizons had widened. I began to feel the world was my oyster -- that I could succeed in anything I attempted. Fortunately, I also realised that it was not good enough to keep launching new ventures if old ones were allowed to suffer. Too often efficiency and high standards once established are taken for granted.

This is a great mistake and my constant aim has been to preserve the reputation of my hotels at the highest possible level. This pays many kinds of dividends. I was elected President of the Federation of Hotel and Restaurant Associations of India in April 1955, and in 1960. I was created President of Honour of the Federation for life.

My thoughts turned to politics. India was forging ahead. By the grace of God any my own continuous efforts, I had established myself in the profession of my choice. I felt I must enlarge the scope of my activities.

My main interest was building India amongst the top-most countries in the hotel expertise, also providing employment for improving the quality of life and helping the young.

I contested the Rajya Sabha election in 1962 and was successful. In 1967, I stood for the election for the Lok Sabha and won with a majority of over 46,000 votes -- not a bad record for a newcomer in politics.

I was able to open the Oberoi Intercontinental Hotel in 1965 -- a joint venture with Inter-continental Hotels Corporation and Pan American. Before this event could take place there were years of work and what some-times seemed innumerable difficulties. The reward for my labour comes through the fact that this hotel has become one of the most prestigious establishments in India.

My hotels continued to expand. Some people refer to them as my Empire. A hotel is a small nation in itself and a chain does perhaps merit the name of Empire. This empire is not an imperialistic one, but rather based on the idea of rendering service. This has always been my wish and my endeavour.

The latest additions are in Singapore, Saudi Arabia, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Gulf Area, Egypt and Africa. I must not forget to mention the 550 rooms Oberoi Sheraton in Bombay, going up to 30 floors -- the tallest building in India.

This has been no mean achievement for the village boy, who left his plague infested village in search of a job.

Courtesy: http://www.rediff.com/money/2005/oct/21bspec.htm

Monday, October 24, 2005

Try this !

I’m sure this will amuse!!!

You'll find this funny if you are not a Republican :)

Try out the following steps and see what happens...!

1. Go to http://www.google.com
2. Type "failure" (without double quotes) in the search text box.
3. Press "I'm Feeling Lucky" button just next to "Google Search" button.


Sunday, October 23, 2005

Signs of the Zodiac !!!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser.

ARIES
(Mar21-Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS
(Apr 21-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a penny. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO
(Jul 23-Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving sods and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA
(Sep 23-Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect S.O.B.. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 22-Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN
(Dec22-Jan 19)
You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically spineless. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Become a monk.
------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Readers Digest Quotes !!!

I was just going thru some quotes from Readers digest, while reading em, felt really good and thought of posting them...

=> "While the door is closing, another door is opening. its our job to go find that door" - by: Mathew Perry

=> "History teaches everything, including the future" - by: Lamartine

=> "Poverty and richness are two reefs of rock in the straits - happy are those who manage to navigate between them" - by: Istvan Nemere

=> "We learn from history that we do not learn from history" - by: Hegel

=> "It's not a bad thing, is it, to be strong in some ways and fragile and vulnerable in others?" - by: Jennifer Garner

=> "No one can hurt you, without your consent" - by: Eleanor Roosevelt

=> "Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both" - by: David Brown

=> "I love to think about chance - about how one littele overheard word, one pebble in a show, can change the universe" - by: Anne Tyler

=> "Never take a step backward, not even to gain momentum" - by: Andy Garcia

=> No one else, ever will think you're great the way your mother does" - by: Mary Matalin


for more quotes, click on "http://www.rd-india.com"

tenjewberrymuds !!!

A lovely one, thought I would share it with all of you... many of you business travelers. Not exactly pontifically correct - but...............?

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.


Here it is:

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Far East Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."


####################

Reason out !!!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Moral of the story:

Be sure there is a problem before working hard to solve it...

Bud Light Commercials ...

Was just reading through some forum on Airline pilots and found this audio link, about Bud Light beer commercials.

These radio commercials were used in US, and these are the Silver category winners of “The 2005 Andy Awards

http://www.adforum.com/creative_archive/2005/AW37_ANDY/simglist.asp?ca_id=1519

Have fun and enjoy.

Budweiser – probably the best beer in the world

MATHEMATICS ...

These joke below, is quite old, but somehow I seem to like it.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay Rs200 for an Rs100 item he needs.
A woman will pay Rs100 for an Rs200 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
butmarried men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

*************************
THIS IS TO ALL SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO
ALL THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Airline jokes

Monarch International Airlines, arriving at the Gibraltar Internation Airport in Spain.
US Airways flight crossing, somewhere in United States

I've always been very big fan of aircrafts and airlines. I was goin thru the net and found these intersting jokes:

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

----------------------------------------

This link will take u to a page containing pictures of an Continental Airlines of USA
http://www.ssqq.com/archive/stupidity02.htm

Good one...

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
------------------------------------------------

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.


Love, Becky..............
-------------------------------------------------

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
--------------------------------------------------

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,


Ricky

Monday, October 17, 2005

Illusions...





First time...

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.

"Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Drunken joke...

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."

The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the ****ing buses have gone!" And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says,

"Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."

Try these blogs

Hello visitors,

Below is the link that will direct u to 2 pretty and neat blog's.

http://breadcrumbsandwine.blogspot.com/

http://arkhiveblog.blogspot.com/

Hope u enjoy those blog's.


----
GV

Ps: blog's of my friends:

http://arungv.blogspot.com
http://humourmemore.blogspot.com/
http://mohamedss.blogspot.com/
&
http://jcu-s.blogspot.com

Good one...

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got Stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

B. 2 French men and 1 French woman

C. 2 German men and 1 German woman

D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman

G. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman (from India)


One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:


A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G. What happened to the Indians ??????


scroll down......








The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman !!!!!!!!

Hotel Joke...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic, Sir, but for an outside line you need to kindly press 9 first!!"


Interruption...

When you find yourself beginning to feel overwhelmed by negativity, you can always choose to break the pattern. Stop whatever you are doing, and for three of four minutes focus your mind on thoughts of gratitude, acceptance and peacefulness.

Breathe deeply, and relax the muscles throughout your body. Reflect on how very fortunate you are to be alive and aware in this universe that's overflowing with positive possibilities.

Give yourself a peaceful break. Give your spirit the opportunity of resetting to a more positive perspective, and it will.

In a few short moments, you can easily and naturally break free of any negative pattern in which you may have been caught. You'll be vastly better positioned to effectively respond to whatever life sends your way.

Instead of acting out of anger or frustration, fear or anxiety, you'll be able to choose your actions based on your own positive purpose. Instead of being caught up in the grip of negativity, you'll be calmly and firmly in control.

When the negativity starts to get overwhelming, choose to interrupt it with a positive, peaceful break. You'll find it can make a profound and positive difference.

-- Ralph Marston

for the website: http://www.greatday.com/

a story...

A DONKEY's STORY...

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less


NOW --------



Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Air disaster

Incase u all interested to watch some videos or pictures of air crashes and accidents, visit the website: http://www.airdisaster.com/

When in this site, one can get access to pictures, videos, investigation reports and discussions.

I found this site quite interesting and also very informative.

My condolences to families of the dead.

A friend ...

A friend is someone who knows all about you and likes you just the same
- Unknown –

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature
- Ralph Waldo Emerson –

A friend is the first person to come in when the whole world goes out
- Henry Durbanville –

A man who has friends must himself be friendly
- Proverbs 18:24 –

I went outside to find a friend;
But could not find one there;
I went outside to be a friend;
And friends were everywhere
- Anon –

Friends are seldom found; they are made
- Anon –

Qantas homor !!!

After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots re-view the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance compliance submitted by Qantas` pilots & solutions recorded by maintenance engineers


(p= problem logged by pilot)
(s= solution & action taken by engineers)

p: left inside main tire almost needs replacement
s: almost replaced left inside main tire

p: test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
s: auto land not installed on aircraft

p: something loose in cockpit
s: something tightened in cockpit

p: dead bugs on windshield
s: live bugs on back order

p: evidence of leak in right main landing gear
s: evidence removed

P: dme volume unbelievably loud
s: dme volume set to more believable level

p: friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
s: that’s what they’re for

p: IFF inoperative
s: IFF always inoperative on OFF mode

p: suspected crack in windshield
s: suspected you’re right

p: number 3 engine missing
s: engine found on right wing after brief search

p: aircraft handles funny ( love this one!)
s: aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, & to be serious

p: target radar hums
s: reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

p: mouse in cockpit
s: cat in installed

p: noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
s: took hammer away from midget

nothing like a bit of humor well done qf lol......

courtesy: http://www.airliners.net/discussions/general_aviation/read.main/2384157/

Friday, October 14, 2005

IT professionals

IT professionals !!!

Once upon a time there was a shepherd sitting on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out andasks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.He turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1, 586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd."First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...Now can I have my DOG back?"

Blogger for Word


Blogger for Word
Now you can use Blogger right within Microsoft® Word. Just download and install the Blogger for Word add-in and a Blogger toolbar will be added to Word allowing you to:
1.     Save Drafts
2.     Edit Posts
3.     Publish
It’s Cool, and I tried using this option and found it very user-friendly and convenient. Thanks Google for all these add-ons.

Jokes !!!

Perfect Girl

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

He Has Never Seen Her Naked

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.

For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"


One Day In The Garden Of Eden

Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.


"What's the problem, Eve?" "Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"I am lonely," said Eve, "and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, God?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly."

"Sounds great." said Eve. She raised an eyebrow ironically. "What's the catch?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

Back to top

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said:

"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"