intercom fiasco. . .

A guy is spending the holidays with his girlfriend's family. They're sleeping in separate bedrooms, and one night before they go off to bed the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Baby, would you give me a Lay?"

"Are you crazy?" she says. "My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

This goes on for a minute or two when, out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a Lay. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down and do it himself. But for fuck's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

Oops . . .

A guy is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, and he really should remember someone so beautiful. So he asks her, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my balls with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?"

"No," she says. "I'm your son's math teacher."

Drunken wisdom...

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving the neighborhood pub.

While viewing the bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.

"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock" the drunk answered.

"A talking clock, seriously?!" asked the astonished friend.

"Yup" answered the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the drunk answered.

He picked up a large wooden mallet that was lying alongside the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!! IT'S 10 PAST 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

Smart thinkin...

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Take it light....

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills. He said that if they blindfolded him, he could recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, after locating the bullet hole, could even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said he was willing to prove it if the other patrons would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and said, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again. Through the
night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and fell asleep. The next morning he saw in the mirror that he had a huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties and yelled, 'Skunk. Killed with an axe.'"

A wonderful joy is now flooding my heart,
Giving assurance that will not depart.
My Savior is living and reigning above;
Life has rich meaning because of His love.

Bosch



http://www.rbc.org/

SHARED THOTS. 7.04.06

Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter asked for a job in a timber merchant, and he got it. His salarywas really good and so were the working conditions.For that reason, the woodcutter was determined to dohis best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to fell the trees.

The first day, the woodcutter brought 15 trees.

"Congratulations," the boss said. "Carry on with your work!"

Highly motivated by the words of his boss, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but he only could bring 10 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but he was only able to bring 7 trees. Day after day he was bringing less and less trees.

"I must be losing my strength", the woodcutter thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

"When was the last time you sharpened your axe?" the boss asked.

"Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees..."

Most of us NEVER update our skills. We think that whatever we have learned is very much enough. But good is not good when better is expected. Sharpening our skills from time to time is the key to success.
==============================================

During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, "Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen."

After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, "Well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one."! Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

"Hah," he thought. "What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor."

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while.

"Lord, forgive me," prayed the young man. "I had forgotten that in you a spider's web is stronger than a brick wall."

We all face times of great trouble. When we do, it is so easy to forget the victories that God would work in our lives, sometimes in the most surprising ways.
=================================================

WHO DOES GOOD AND IS ANXIOUS TO HAVE IT KNOWN HAS STILL A ROOT OF EVIL IN HIS GOOD.
---------------
THE BEST VISION IS INSIGHT.
---------------
PARENTING IS TEACHING YOUNG PEOPLE TO BE THEIR OWN PARENTS.

U r my friend. . .

To everyone: I don't care how many times you receive this email- feel special every time you do because everyone that sends it to you think and know that you are special to them.

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

SO NOW I WILL SAY:

I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend.

And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint.

Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you.

Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow.

It could be anywhere -- AOL, Yahoo, outside of school, anywhere.

Get ready for the biggest shock of your life.

Please send to 15 people in 15 minutes.

Remember:

"A good friend will come bail you out of jail....

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ...

WE screwed up, but we had fun! "

Proud to be your Friend!

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead.

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day.

What makes me think I can?

I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

It's National Friendship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.

If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I am honoured

Daughter In-Law

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered!

They don't come to change the family.

*****

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:

“My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine.

No, I will never do that, never in a million years".

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

"What I mean that is (looking at her father-in-law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and Those who used to clean should continue cleaning".

“Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother-in law. "As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

Sex in the Dark...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

SIXTEEN REASONS ...

WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It is an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."


Have a glass and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!

CHEERS