Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s … out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

2. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". And finally...

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Orkut - Use it wisely

Dear Friend...

Few days back in Mumbai Mirror Daily, it is written that so many terrorists and under world people has got connecting through orkut. Like Davood Ibrahim, Chotta Shakkil, ...........so many people are getting new man power through Orkut only. The IB has started their investigations. So please reduce the contacts through Orkut.

It is usual that we receive friend request from unknown people. But if you actually do not know that person it is good to reject that request. Because if one terrorist is found by Police, his entire friend's list will be carefully followed. And if you are there, you also will be in trouble.

So be careful! Also forward it to all your friends. This information is true. It is written in the front page of Mumbai Mirror Daily.

You may be thinking that why these people adding so many friends through orkut. It is simply because to mislead the Police. When they(Police) get a huge friend list they will be concentrating on them. They may be innocent people. At that time the real terrorists can escape. So friends, please forward this information to all you know.

Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s … out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". And finally...

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Chanakya 's Quotes - Worth Learning !!!

Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

"A person should not be too honest.
Straight trees are cut first
and Honest people are screwed first."

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"Even if a snake is not poisonous,
it should pretend to be venomous."

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"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. If you cannot keep secret with you , do not expect that other will keep it. !

It will destroy you."

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"There is some self-interest behind every friendship.
There is no Friendship without self-interests.

This is a bitter truth."

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"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful.

Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."

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"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."

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"Once you start a working on something,
don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it.
People who work sincerely are the happiest."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

"The fragrance of flowers spreads
only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."

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"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years.

For the next five years, scold them.
By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend.
Your grown up children are your best friends."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

"Education is the best friend.
An educated person is respected everywhere.
Education beats the beauty and the youth."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Who wants to be a PIG???

Hey guys !!!!

Who wants to be a PIG???

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...In other words, send it to everyone!

Ladies !! Watch out what you say ? ? ?

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the Breeding bull exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a Sign attached that said, "This bull mated 52 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 52 times last year? ....once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 125 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than Twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third Pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly Broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY Learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Common Sense-Applicable only for those outside India

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary -Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a bandage to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Sardar jokes

Thanks Ganga for sending me these jokes.


Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".

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Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"

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Boss : I am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it ok?
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is ok .......but?? how much is DRIVING salary...?

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Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!

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2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

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Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post office....

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Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

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A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

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2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

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Tears - Interesting piece of information

There was a study done where a control group of 100 people were divided into two.

50 people watched a very funny, tears-of laughter type movie.
50 watched a very sad and tears of compassion type movie.

At the end of the sessions researchers collected the "happy tears" and the "sad tears" with eye droppers. They found that "happy tears" are made up of brine salt water and not a great deal else However the "sad tears" were found to contain the very same chemicals and enzymes that are found in tumors, ulcers and other such lumps and bumps and sicknesses through out the body.

This test concluded that the body, when crying in sadness etc is literally flushing out all of the toxic-chemicals that accumulate and are a part of the sadness /heartache experience.

Therefore if one holds back those tears, those toxic-waters will find somewhere else to deposit themselves and prolonged lack-of-crying-release will guarantee that the body will accumulate a huge amount of internal pollution and toxicity that should have been released through the tears is it any wonder that the eyes sting so much when we hold back our tears?

LESSON FROM THE STUDY:

CRY YOUR HEART OUT WHEN YOU ARE SAD, LONELY, ALONE, DEPRESSED, ETC..... IT IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!


Click on this link for more info: "http://www.geocities.com/kidhistory/trauma/tears.htm"

Life is what we make it.....

The other day a friend's son, Jayant, was telling his experience. During the diwali vacation, he and his couple of friends had gone to Delhi.

They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar, and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to insinuate the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them Re.1 extra and said, (in Hindi, of course),

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to know what the world is about. You have yet to know what is will power, dedication and success, you have yet to see the world. But I have
just one request. Here I am giving you Re.1 each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in
this city.'

Jayant continued,' That Re.1 coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi !'

Smilers wear a CROWN, Loosers wear a FROWN.

ANT & GRASSHOPPER

OLD VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and others are cold and starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) . Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers. Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter. Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & Govt.Services.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV. Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated outside India and set up a multinational company . 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India

More Oxymorons...

Aircraft Black Box It's painted orange!

Briefing Often long meeting

Chili Refers to hot

Hermitage Where multiple hermits live

Internal Revenue Service Tax Authority

No Comment Is a Comment

Retired Re-tired = Tired again

This page intentionally left blank but it isn't!

Was Suicided Driven to Suicide

Well Done Over-cooked Steak

Oxymoron...

An Oxymoron is a combination of two contradictory words. "Amateur Expert,'' "Mercy Killing'' and "Deafening Silence'' are some examples. Have a look at the site Oxymoron (http://www.oxymorons.info/), which contains a variety of oxymorons, organised under different categories such as Business, Education, Science and Technology.

Examples:

1) I distinctly remember forgetting that. -- Clara Barton

2) A joke is a very serious thing. -- Winston Churchill

3) The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep

4) Change is the only Constant.

5) I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark Twain

6) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. -- Winston Churchill

7) A hospital is no place to be sick. -- Samuel Goldwyn

8) A little pain never hurt anyone.

9) Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn

10) He lived his life to the end.

Typical top management

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a Bucket of cow dung in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure Sir, coming right up." Waiter gets the Red Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Red Indian Drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of cow dung, throws it into The air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Red Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one Hand and bucket of cow dung in the other. He walks up to the counter and Says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa Sir! We are still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about?"

The Red Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for Upper Management Position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess around for others to clean, disappear for rest of the day".

100 Kisses...Really very clever wife!!

A letter has been sent from a husband:

Dear Sweetheart:I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart,

your husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband :

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

Your Sweet Heart .

Attitude !!!

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and asked fora phone call.

Shop-owner replied, "Sweety! This is not an STD booth, but you can make one call". (The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation. )

The boy asked, "Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?". The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn"

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now," replied the boy.

The woman responded that "she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting the lawn."

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your side walk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm Beach, Florida.

"Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son.... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.

"The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

Performance counts!!!

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a person who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The person replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ".

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ".

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results", shrugged! Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral:

It is Performance, Not Position that Counts.

Good One!!!

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.""What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

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Wonder what would have the reaction of his wife at this point

English is phunny!!!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Eyes and Friendship

Do you know the relationship between two eyes..?

They blink together,
They move together,
They cry together,
They see things together And
They sleep together

BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER.. That's what friendship is..........

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open........

Moral of the story

Girls can break even the best of friendships!!!


PS - Any comments from the girls ??