Bar Notice. . .

Side effects of alcohol.... And remedies!!!

Symptom:    Cold and humid feet.

Cause:       Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).

Cure:          Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

Symptom:   The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause:       You're lying on the floor.

Cure:          Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

Symptom:   The floor looks blurry.

Cause:       You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure:         Quickly refill your glass!

Symptom:   The floor is moving. *

Cause:        You're being dragged away.

Cure:          At least ask where they're taking you!

Symptom:    You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause:        You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it

Cure:           Stop making a fool of yourself!

Symptom:     Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause:         You're in the wrong house.

Cure:           Ask if they can point you to your house.

Symptom:     The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause:         You're in an ambulance.

Cure:           Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Salt & Pepper - simple

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery!

They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."

"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Intelligent Boy & Farmer

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Domain Knowledge is very important

There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three.

Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from father, kid’s Mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

....Mothers know!!

MORAL OF THE STORY: Domain knowledge is very important!! Else your supplier will trick you!

why you should not sleep keeping your head in the North or East?

Did you know, North brings Disease and West dulls the Brain Intellect improves by East facing Head or house and Life lengthens with the Head facing South.

We all know that our Planet has a magnetic pole stretched from north to south with the Positive Pole at the North and the Negative Pole at the South. Now, Health Scientists tell us that We too have a similar magnetic stretch with the Positive Pole at the Head and the Negative Pole at the Feet.

It is common knowledge that like poles repel and unlike poles attract not only scientific but also in social spheres. When we lay our heads on the north side, the two positive sides repel each other and there is a struggle between the two.

Since the earth has a greater magnetic force, we are always the losers, and rise in the morning with headache or heaviness.

When we lay our heads in the southern direction, there is mutual attraction and we wake up fit, fresh and free, unless afflicted by some illness.

We also know that our planet revolves itself from west to east, and sun's magnetic field enters earth from east side. This magnetic force enters our head if we lie with head on the east and exits through feet, promoting cool heads and warm feet as per the laws of magnetism and electricity. When the head is laid towards the west, cool feet and hot head -- result -- an unpleasant start for morning.

Now we may realize why the ancient people said, that our intellect improves by east facing head or house, and life lengthens with the head facing south.

North brings disease and west dulls the brain. They gave us a few more healing hints for a healthy sleep. Never lie on one side for long. Keep changing.

Head to North or West:

Results: Dangerous. Never sleep with the top of your head pointing to the north and feet pointing to the south. Brings terrible dreams and disturbed sleep. Your physical and mental health will suffer.

Head to East:

Benefits: Auspicious. Always make sure you put your head in the East direction as much as possible.

Head to South:

Benefits: Auspicious. The best position for sleeping is with the top of your head pointing to the south and feet pointing north.

Important:

• Avoid daytime sleep.
• Let the night food be light and early.
• Avoid reading serious or sensual literature straining the nerves. 
• Repeat a few mantras to relax your mind before you sleep.

source from the NET received this by mail from my uncle Mr. Mohandas KP

One bedroom flat - a reality check

ONE BEDROOM FLAT…

WRITTEN BY AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER..

A Bitter Reality

… As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in Software Engineering and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and opportunity. When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream had come true.

Here at last I was in the place where I want to be. I decided I would be staying in this country for about Five years in which time I would have earned enough money to settle down in India.

My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.

I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phone cards. Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald’s and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee value went down.

Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home. If I miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate.

In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as I will not get anymore holidays. After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we returned to USA.

My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a week sometimes 3 times a week. Our savings started diminishing.

After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their grand-children.

Every year I decide to go to India… But part work part monetary conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn’t get any holidays and thus could not go to India … The next message I got was my parents had passed away and as there was no one to do the last rights the society members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents had passed away without seeing their grand children.

After couple more years passed away, much to my children’s dislike and my wife’s joy we returned to India to settle down.I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years. I had to return to the USA…

My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stay in India… My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years.

Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA… I decided that had enough and wound-up every thing and returned to India…I had just enough money to buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.

Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby temple. My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode.

Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this?

My father, even after staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same nothing more.

I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.

Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children are losing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cards from my children asking I am alright. Well at least they remember me.Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rights, God Bless them.

But the question still remains ‘was all this worth it?’

I am still searching for an answer……………..!!!

START THINKING

IS IT JUST FOR ONE EXTRA BEDROOM???

LIFE IS BEYOND THIS …..DON’T JUST LEAVE YOUR LIFE & PARENTS. . .

START LIVING IT. . .

LIVE IT AS YOU WANT IT TO BE. . .    BECAUSE LIFE IS PRECIOUS!!!!

What is recession?

Look at this story , so real isn’t it?              What is recession?

* * *

This Story is about a man who once upon a time was selling Hotdogs by the roadside.

He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers.

He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio.

His eyes were weak, so he never watched television.

But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs.

He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales.

His sales and profit went up.

He ordered more a more raw material and buns and use to sale more.

He recruited few more supporting staff to serve more customers.

He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove.

As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from College, joined his father.

* * *

Then something strange happened.

* * *

The son asked, ” Dad, aren’t you aware of the great recession that is coming our way ?”

The father replied, “No, but tell me about it.” The son said, “The international situation is terrible.

The domestic situation is even worse.. We should be prepared for the coming bad times.”

The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watched TV.

He ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly.

So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colorful signboard,

removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic.

He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs.

Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his hot-dog stand.

And his sales started coming down rapidly, same is the profit.

The father said to his son, “Son, you were right. We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time.”

Moral of The Story:

It’s all in your MIND ! And we actually FUEL this recession much more than we think…

Your Yearly Dementia Test (Good One)

(*Not restricted to Senior citizens others can also undertake this test)

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen* test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. 

Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 

1. What do you put in a toaster? 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ give up now and do something else.  Try not to hurt yourself.   

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.. 
 

2. Say ‘silk ’ five times. Now spell ‘silk..’ What do cows drink? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. 
However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3. 
 
 
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why the hell are you still reading these??? 
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4. 
 
 
4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man’s land’? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: You don’t bury survivors. 
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, ‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question 
 

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. 
What is the age of the bus driver? 

 
 

 
 
 

 
 
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 
Don’t you remember your own age ? It was YOU!! 
 
  
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. 
 
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! 

Loving Husband. . .

 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he  would just have her shipped home.   

 

The  undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you  would spend only  $150?"

The man  replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance.

Service...

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies: 

Banking 'Service' 

Postal 'Service' 

Telephone 'Service' 

Cable 'Service' 

Civil 'Service' 

City, State and Public 'Service' 

Customer 'Service' 

Social 'Service' 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. 

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to 'Service' his cows. 

Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us! 

The importance of a good family. . .

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did.

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.” So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it’s good to have sex.” So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather, Moishe, says that after praying it’s good to have sex.” So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?”

She replied, “Well, a scholar he may not be, but he comes from a wonderful family."

A wedding nite!

The first Night A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride [a really innocent girl] to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly,

"What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.He,also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well honey, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in dismay & amazement asks, "Is that all we have left?"

Dishonourable discharge!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. 

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonourable discharge!"

A Box of Kisses . . .

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. 

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." 

He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the gold box was empty. 

Annoyed, he said to his daughter, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's suppose to be something inside the box? A box isn't a present!" 

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "But Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness. 

It is told that the man kept the gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

for my sister

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. 

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.' 

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' 

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. 

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. 

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. 'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.' 

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. 

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'  His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. 

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.' Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. 

He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.' 'I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. 

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?'' 'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough..' I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. 

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!' Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!'' 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' 'My mommy loves white roses.' 

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. 

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? 

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away. 

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. 

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

 - - - - 

No word to express, I am choking after reading this....  Thanks to my uncle Mr. Mohandas K P for sharing this....

KNOWLEDGE IS AMUSING. . .

[1] FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks). 

[2] POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened. 

[3] MOPED is the short term for 'Motorized Pedaling'. 

[4] BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody. 

[5] DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people withdrew after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped.. 

[6] NEWS refers to information from Four directions

N, E, W, and S. 

[7] AG-MARK, which some products bear, stems from 'Agricultural Marketing'. 

[8] QUEUE comes from 'Queen's Quest'. Long back a long row of people as waiting to see the Queen. Someone made the comment Queen's Quest.. 

[9] JOURNAL is a diary that tells about 'Journey for a day' during each Day's business. 

[10] TIPS come from 'To Insure Prompt Service'. In olden days to get Prompt service from servants in an inn, travelers used to drop coins in a Box on which was written 'To Insure Prompt Service'. This gave rise to the custom of Tips. 

[11] JEEP is a vehicle with unique Gear system. It was invented during World War II (1939-1945). It was named 'General Purpose Vehicle (GP)'.GP was changed into JEEP later. 

[12] Coca-Cola was originally green. 

[13] The most common name in the world is Mohammed.. 

[14] The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with Asia, America, Australia, Europe, Africa 

[15] The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. 

[16] TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 

[17] Women BLINK nearly twice as much as men!! 

[18] You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. 

[19] It is impossible to lick your elbow. 

[20] Wearing HEADPHONES for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. 

[21] It is physically impossible for PIGS to look up into the sky. 

[22] The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. 

[23] Each KING in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. 

Spades - King David 

Clubs - Alexander the Great, 

Hearts - Charlemagne 

Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 

[24] What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? 

Ans. - All invented by women. 

[25] A CROCODILE cannot stick its tongue out. 

[26] A SNAIL can sleep for three years. 

[27] All POLAR BEARS are left handed. 

[28] BUTTERFLIES taste with their feet. 

[29] ELEPHANTS are the only animals that can't jump. 

[30] In the last 4000 years, no new ANIMALS have been domesticated. 

[31] STEWARDESSES is the longest word typed with only the left hand. 

[32] The human HEART creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 

[33] RATS multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. 

[34] People say "BLESS YOU" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond. 

[35] If you SNEEZE too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. 

So good to bless  sneezing person