Happy New Year 2010!

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

~Mark Twain

Legal & Logical (jus for fun)

Good one................

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical,nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

One student immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover,which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

(thought provoking) - an Obituary

as received by mail from a friend

An Obituary printed in the London Times........

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, share this on with your near and dear. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Boobs vs. willies !!! (jus for fun)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases...
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?', the son questions.
'Yes’, replies the father, ‘...you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also...
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?', questions the daughter.

'Yes’, replies her mother’...it’s dead from the roots up and the balls are just there for decoration.'

A Dream Called Dubai!!!

Khaleej Times Online > OPINION

A Dream Called Dubai

Aijaz Zaka Syed

10 December 2009

I landed in Dubai on a sunny February morning in 2002. And by October 2003 I had bought my first car, a bright burgundy Toyota that still keeps me going. Buying that car, after countless, incredibly frustrating driving tests, meant realising the dream of a lifetime.

I grew up with the dream of driving my own car since as long as I can remember — from those teeny-weeny toy cars to cardboard models put together by an enterprising older cousin. I am not sure how long I would have waited back home in India to see that dream come true. Dubai fleshed it out within a year — or as soon as I got the licence to drive.

Mine is not a rare story of an average Joe. This is the shared experience of faceless multitudes in this incredible city. This is the city of everyone’s dreams. And it’s full of people whose lives are a living tribute to their 
impossible ambitions.

Of course, all great cities are full of dreamers and achievers with a myriad tales of implausible achievements. But what makes Dubai stand out is its ability to fulfill the dreams of just about everyone. No matter where you come from and what you do, Dubai has a place and slice for you. I can’t think of any other city where dreams are built at this pace and with such ease.

Which is perhaps how it should be? After all, this city itself is the outcome of an ostensibly hopeless dream, a vision that has wowed the world and awed friends and foes alike. Today, that dream finds itself once again under attack — attacks that get vicious and virulent by the day. Knives are back. But the knives had always been there—hidden behind the backs as they all waited for Dubai to falter so they can pounce and finish off the enduring vision that has stood tall, defying all predictions and challenges, continually mocking the skeptics and naysayers.

During the emirate’s mind-boggling construction boom that started with the new millennium, whenever you traveled around the world people would ask with a smirk, ‘so how long is it gonna last?’ When one indignantly protested that Dubai’s boom was not a passing, accidental phenomenon, they would shake their heads warning us of the ‘imminent bust’ ahead. And since the world woke up to the US Wall Street meltdown, thanks to long years of bankrupt economic policies in Washington and its crazy, extravagant wars around the world, just about every pundit has been telling us that it’s end of the road for Dubai too.

During a recent trip to Europe, one was repelled by the glee in fellow hacks’ faces and voices. “Oh, from Dubai!” would be invariably followed by queries about the ‘millions of workers’ who in their view were fleeing the emirate.

The Dubai World’s announcement last week seeking more time to restructure its $59 billion debt has proved the proverbial last straw on the camel’s back. Western news networks and journalists, especially those from the tiny crowded island that once ruled this part of the world, are circling and attacking Dubai and the UAE as hungry vultures would target a dying animal.

Look at some of these Schadenfreude headlines. The Times of London once again leads the attack by screaming: “Bling Central Loses Sparkle!” Rod Liddle, its star columnist, declares: “Dubai is wrecked but, like an old tart with a kiss-and-tell contract from the red-tops, threatens to drag the rest of us down with it.” Elsewhere the paper posits: “Dubai is a monument to the excesses that gave us this global 
financial crisis.”

And we all thought the global crisis was sparked by the sub-prime circus in the United States!

Another Dubai-datelined dispatch exclaims: “How Dubai’s burst bubble has left behind the last days of Rome!” And the team of reporters concludes: “By any conventional logic, Dubai is now a busted flush.”

In another report, the paper vents its frustration over the poise and dignity of the emirate’s leaders amid all this talk of gloom and doom: “Dubai keeps its head in the sand!”

And the Times is not alone in this ‘Mission Kill Dubai’. The Observer declares: “Dubai’s property bonanza just wasn’t built to last!” Another Observer report asks: “As Dubai crashes from wonder to blunder, who’ll go 
down with it?”

I can think of only one answer to all this endless and mindless bitching and carping about Dubai: Shut Up! Just shut up! That was the answer offered by the man who has been the architect of this miracle in the desert.

For it’s not just unfair but downright silly to suggest Dubai is finished just because one of its many companies has requested a rescheduling of loan. Rescheduling of loans and debts happens all the time in this business. One company doesn’t make or mar Dubai.

Have we forgotten how many mighty banks and legendary financial institutions in the United States, UK and elsewhere have been savaged by the global meltdown? From Lehman Brothers to AIG to Citigroup in the US to the Northern Rock to Bear Stearns in the UK, many a giant has fallen from its hallowed perch. The US and governments across Europe and Asia had to step in with massive stimulus packages to support their crisis-struck institutions. While the US pumped in a whopping $787 billion to rescue its financial institutions, the bailout for British banks hit 850 billion pounds. Does this mean all those countries are finished?

This is a global crisis and Dubai and UAE are doing what governments elsewhere have done to deal with it. This is not a crisis of our making and is not special to Dubai or UAE. One fleeting setback cannot undo all that the emirate has built over the years.

This reality is not lost on our friends in Western media. Only they choose to see what they want to see. They just can’t stomach the fact that an Arab and Muslim country has demolished historical stereotypes to beat them at their own game.

Ironically, the first among those rushing to pronounce Dubai dead are those who have benefited the most from the Arabian paradise.

Overpaid Western expats, especially British, who have all these years enjoyed a secure, tax-free existence in their cocooned, luxury beach villas with their SUVs while Asian maids take care of their brood have been the first to carp and snugger about the end of the party. No sense of loyalty there whatsoever, even after decades spent enjoying the good life and sun and sand 
in Jumeirah.

On the other hand, South Asian desis, Filipinos — the people Johann Hari of the Independent calls “slaves in a sinister mirage” — and Arabs and Africans are springing up to Dubai’s defense. They have reasons to get angry. After all, unlike the people you know who, they have built this country. This has been home away from home.

As long as the emirates are blessed with such hard-working, well-meaning people, I would like to believe, 
there’s hope.

A banker friend from Nepal wrote in this week: “The downgrade by the ‘poor’ Standards & Poor notwithstanding, Dubai stands as a beacon of Asian enterprise and chutzpah. If it folds up, it will be decades before our part of the globe will again be able to stand up to the West.”

While Madhukar’s concern is appreciated, I believe Dubai will not just sail through this pocket of rough seas smoothly, it will emerge even stronger. The idea of Dubai will continue to bloom long after the wagging tongues of its detractors have fallen silent. Because the never-say-die spirit that gave birth to the phenomenon called Dubai and the UAE is as alive and vibrant as ever. The can-do spirit that started a revolution in a sleepy, desolate region once known for nothing else but the Empty Quarter is far from beaten 
and vanquished.

Let Dubai’s critics not forget that it has already accomplished in a span of just four decades what mighty nations with infinite resources at their disposal take centuries to build.

Besides fashioning a peaceful and vibrant, multicultural society in a troubled region and its fabled property market, Dubai has established itself as the Middle East’s commercial and financial hub and one of the top 20 such centers in the world. It is the third largest re-export hub in the world. Its airport is the fifth busiest in the world and its duty free is the largest and best airport retail operator. Its container port is the fourth largest port operator in the world, managing close to 50 ports in every part of the globe. These are just some of the things that come 
to mind.

And remember Dubai created all this out of thin air, without the riches of oil to back its sky-high ambitions. If you need to get an idea of the emirate’s true contribution, just look around and see how many Dubai’s have come up all over the Middle East and across the globe. They are a living, thriving tribute to this great city and its enterprising spirit. And they are the answer to its critics. Envy, jealousy and pure venom cannot kill an idea like Dubai. It will outlive its bitchy critics.

Aijaz Zaka Syed is Opinion Editor of 
Khaleej Times and can be reached at 
aijaz@khaleejtimes.com

profound truths about sex

NO OFFENCE INTENDED, JUST HAVE A GOOD LAUGH....

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!

Men play the game. Women know the score..

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Confucius says .. man who puts hand in bush not always a gardener!!!

What Confidence!!!

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology:
It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies :
"If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!!!

The Battle of Survival at Kruger ! ! !

Received the below through mail and the video is so awesome.... never did I wonder the plight of few lions at the mercy of some determined buffalo's to rescue one of its calf's... its amazing.... watch it....

The Battle at Kruger has taken the world by storm! Filmed at South Africa's Kruger National Park, this inspiring and adventurous ight for survival has become one of the most popular videos of all time. Featured in hudreds of news outlets and the subject of an upcoming National Geographic documentary, the Battle at Kruger continues to rise in poopularity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

The video starts off with a herd of buffalo nearing a watering hole when they are ambushed by a pride of very hungry lions. As the herd scatter, the lions are able to tackle a small calf into the water. As the lions regroup and begin pulling the calf out of the water, a crocodile emerges trying to take the calf for itself!

A game of tug of war follows with the lions eventually winning. As the lions prepare to feast, the herd returns 10x in size to rescue the calf. The herd charges in scaring off the lions and are even able to throw one in the air! After the battle, the baby calf gets up and rejoins the herd.

the courtesy for the said mail was to one Arjun CD..

To serve with love - (for hoteliers)

Got the said article from my GM of The Resort, Mumbai.

The article makes an interesting read as it ponders on why hotels in India are slow to change and adapt to what the customer needs... read thru to understand....

Hindustan Times

September 06, 2009

To serve with love

I wrote last week about how deluxe hotels often ignore the food and beverage needs of their guests. I ended the column with a rant about room service. And this week, that rant continues…

Local Food: I accept that it is not always a good idea for hotels to open restaurants serving the local cuisine. There are some huge successes (Dakshin in Madras, Karavalli in Bangalore and er… I think that’s about it) but most city hotels only end up serving vastly overpriced and largely inauthentic versions of dishes that guests can find outside the hotel at prices that are much more realistic.

But that does not change the fact that when I land in a strange city I want some painless way of dipping my toes into the local waters. I may well go out to an authentic restaurant later but I do not want exactly the same food in my hotel room in Cochin that I had in Guwahati.

There are two traditional routes to fulfilling this need. The first is the coffee shop. All Far Eastern hotels will include some local food on the coffee shop menu (if they have coffee shops, that is). The second route is room service. It costs nothing to put in a section of local favourites on the room service menu or – at the very least – to make them easily available (by getting them from hotel restaurants).

When I check into a hotel in Hyderabad, do I really want to eat a Lucknawi biryani? When I am in Calcutta, home of the Nizam’s Roll, do I really want to eat some bakwas catering college take on a kathi kabab on the room service menu? When I fly into Bombay I want pav-bhaji, ragda-patice and even bhel to be easily available at my hotel. (Only the Taj seems to realise this.)

All too often room service menus have become corporate affairs, devised by committees of men in suits. Some bright spark in head office probably thinks it is a good idea to standardise all menus at all hotels across the chain. But guests are not interested in corporate sameness. They want variety and they want a little local flavour. Room Amenities: At some stage, India is going to go the way of the West where staff costs are so high that it is almost impossible to break even on room service operations unless you raise prices to absurd levels. In the West, they try and make things easier for guests (and for the hotels themselves) by placing some basic amenities in the room. Many, if not most, American hotels will provide kettles so guests can make their own tea and thus, ease the pressure on room service.

Indian hotels are following suit. The Oberoi chain began the trend and also provided interesting herbal teas. But few chains have gone as far or displayed as much imagination as the Four Seasons in Bombay where every room has an espresso machine so that guests can get excellent coffee at the touch of a button. The Four Seasons has kettles but refuses to provide the rubbish tea bags that most hotel chains (including allegedly tea-savvy Taj – shame on them!) place in the rooms. At the Four Seasons, the tea bags have been specially made for the hotel (by Dilmah in Sri Lanka) and contain the finest Darjeeling teas from top gardens. (They tried finding quality Indian tea bags but when they failed, they shipped Indian tea to Dilmah and then re-imported it back in tea bags!) No Indian hotel can compete with the Four Seasons in the quality of tea and coffee service. Why should this be so? Do we need a Canadian chain to come and tell us how to provide good tea to our guests? And we’re supposed to be a tea-drinking country!

If hotels are placing kettles in rooms, then it costs nothing very much to also place biscuits or cookies. In India, we regard a quarter plate full of sad cookies, flavoured with synthetic vanilla and covered with cling film as the ultimate way of recognising VIPs. This is out of date and plain silly. Just give the cookies to everyone. How much does it cost? I bet it is cheaper than the terrible moulded chocolates mass produced by flight kitchens that hotels place in rooms. Similarly, it is time to rethink the fruit basket. If you are going to do one, use the best fruit and make it look different. (Once again, the Four Seasons has the most interesting baskets full of exotic fruit.) Or get rid of it altogether and do what ITC does, offering a variety of different cakes, pastries, cheeses etc. The days when a guest felt flattered to get two stale bananas and three apples are long gone.

Minibar: Why, oh why, do hotels charge for minibars even in the suites? My friend Deepak Ohri has stopped charging Club Floor guests for minibar consumption at the Lebua hotel in Bangkok. And I wish other hotels would follow his example. How much is a Club Floor guest going to drink anyhow? And if you are already offering him free booze in the Club Lounge then why not extend that facility to his minibar? What little you lose in revenue (and hardly anyone makes much money on minibars anyway) will be more than offset by goodwill.

Club Lounges: Hoteliers do not understand Club Lounges. They treat them as bars with a small restaurant section attached. Or, at best, they think of the airport Club Class Lounge as a model. In fact, guests don’t want yet another bar. Think about it. You are a businessman in a strange city. You have a nice enough room where you can set up your laptop and watch CNBC or NDTV on a flat screen TV. But, at some stage, the room gets claustrophobic. You want to get out. That’s where the Club Lounge comes in. The best way to think of it is as the living room of a suite. The guest already has the bedroom. But he wants a living room where he has space to breathe.

Go to any Club Lounge abroad. You will find guests reading papers, sipping drinks, working on their computers or meeting friends. If they lived in suites, they would do all this in their living rooms. A Club Lounge is a communal living room for a hotel’s most important guests: corporate clients who will provide repeat business. It is not just a bar where you get free low food-cost snacks between 5 pm and 7 pm. But hotels don’t seem to recognise this. They are stuck in the ‘F&B outlet’ mindset.

Breakfast: Nakul Anand, who runs ITC, is that most unusual of hoteliers. He treats hoteliering as a science, reducing everything to numbers and standards. But the science comprises only the bones of his style. The flesh on the bones comes from his people management, his flair, his ability to think outside the box and his quest to find innovative solutions. I decided that Nakul was a cut above the rest when he made ITC conduct research on guests’ F&B expectations. The research showed that while some people ate dinner in the hotel and a few had lunch, the one meal that nearly all residents ate in the hotel was breakfast.

Most managers would have left it at that. But Nakul dug deeper. He discovered the preferred breakfast of most corporate guests was not, as one might imagine, eggs and bacon or even parathas and dahi. It was dosas and idlis.

This led to the ITC axiom that resident guests judge a hotel’s F&B by its South Indian breakfast. And that’s why, to this day, no hotel anywhere in the world, does better South Indian breakfasts than an ITC hotel. (If you are in Bangalore or Agra, ask for the multi-grain dosa. They haven’t got it right at the other properties yet.) Here’s my question: if Nakul can get this, why can’t other hoteliers?

Either you go the Four Seasons route and do an unusual breakfast menu of exceptional food (that menu should be a model for all hoteliers) or you get the Indian breakfasts right. Sadly, so few hotels bother with breakfast. Room Service breakfast menus have not changed in over a decade and breakfast buffets are rarely inspiring. The muesli is nearly always disgusting. Pantries: Many Indian hotels have suites with large pantries. The argument, presumably, is that if guests throw large parties, the pantry can act as a service station.

If fact, the pantries go unused most of the time. So, I have a suggestion. Why not put in a range so that it is possible to cook in the pantry? Then, at least in the suites, a chef can come and cook hot dosas or fresh eggs? It would make all the difference to the breakfast experience. That’s it for this week. More to come at another time!

LIFE - thots

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really goes make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
46. Drink plenty of water.
47. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
48. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
49. Live with the 3 E's - Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
50. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
51. Play more games.
52. Read more books than you did in 2008.
53. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
54. Sleep for 7 hours.
55. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
56. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
57. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
58. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
59. Dream more while you are awake.
60. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
61. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
62. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
63. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
64. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
65. Smile and laugh more.
66. Call your family often.
67. Each day give something good to others.
68. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
69. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
70. What other people think of you is none of your business.
71. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
72. Do the right thing!
73. GOD heals everything.
74. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
75. The best is yet to come.
76. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
77. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

top 9 jokes...

# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

# 7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

courtesy: #http://www.laughline.com/jokes/joke.asp?joke_id=14

relationship...

I got the below contents via mail from a friend of mine in Singapore. The contents are quite nicely laid and in simple expression. Easy to understand.

Enjoy reading about what make a good and healthy relationship...

TRUST

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships.. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship.. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmitymay result in separation.

A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB"..

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NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"

The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

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CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

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NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much.. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

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RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

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PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady.. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river.. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

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BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States.. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck.. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge.. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes.. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Tax Man

Old one - still great

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you bu a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

Adult one liners

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.... .'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16... Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Kallu

I was just browsing thru some websites on Kallu (Toddy) and came across the below article, I must say that the experience is well drafted and it has just kindled my interest and curiosity to visit this place during my next visit to Kerala.

by the way, also visit this website of a kallu shaap "Mulla panthal"; http://www.mullapanthal.com/

The 'kallu shaap' (toddy bar) experience

I grew up in Kerala but never went to a local toddy bar, never had sea food in a restaurant and never had any ayurveda treatments done. Once I stepped out of Kerala, the curiosity arose and I wanted to try everything Kerala is known for. I had never tasted toddy and more importantly never seen a kallu shaap ... it was this unspoken men-only place I occasionally saw in malayalam movie clips. During my last trip to India, I asked some friends for good seafood restaurants. The recommended upscale places turned out to cater too much to non-keralites especially to the foreigners. And so the taste was far removed from authentic Kerala style seafood. The other strong recommendation was toddy bars which came with a warning "ofcourse you can't go"

My brother in law discovered this place called mulla (jasmine) panthal (roof) in cochin, which apparently has a website & even an orkut community dedicated to it. Before going we called up and were briefed about the place by a friendly manager who said it was fine for "families" (meaning women folk) to visit and they were given separate rooms but that it essentially was a bar. And so my sister, brother in law and I set off for lunch at this place. It was a much longer drive than we expected and stopped at several places to ask for directions and everybody just pointed ahead asking us to drive ahead further. Reminded me of the "abhi dilli (delhi) door hai" episode. Finally far from the main roads, in an alley lay our destination. Yeah it was a Harold & Kumar's white castle moment.

The usher helped us park the car and showed us the way in. We were seated in a room and briefed about how their toddy was made. We were then served with an earthen pot full of toddy (2 litres as we discovered later) and glasses. Toddy smells repulsive and tastes even worse, to the untrained palate such as mine. Once we settled in we ordered a whole range of dishes includingkarimeen (pearl spot) fry, prawns, kappa (tapioca), kokku (crane or stork from description) & duck (my first time). The food was delicious, a banquet I must say. Tears flowed profusely, sweat trickeled down our bodies but there was no stopping us from munching the super spicy prawns. Once I was done with food, I was curious to see what the rest of the bar looked like. So I asked the man in the group to accompany me, my sister was too stuffed to walk. The place looked busy & big. I suspect not all local bars are this big or spacious. The food was inexpenisve compared to any other place I have been to but some local folks say that for a kallu shaap its expensive. I am positive I will go back there atleast once more during this trip.

That is one more thing knocked off the to-do-before-I-die list.

the above article is from: http://www.thinkingms.com/dolly/CommentView.aspx?guid=d1a84362-8d99-431f-a884-68295cc41fac

Some pictures

Roles in Heaven:

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assurance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
! ;Internet Explorer WWWF

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

Adam & Eve's nationality (humor)

To those that live/lived in the Arab world this is a good one...

WHAT NATIONALITY WERE ADAM AND EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN HEAVEN???

A German, a Frenchman and an Egyptian went to an art museum.They were standing in front of the painting ofAdam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The German said:'They have perfect body and muscles.They must be German!'

The Frenchman said:'C'est Impossible! They are so sexy. She so feminine, He's somasculine...They must be French!'

Finally the Egyptian said:'La ya habibi... zey don't have clozez... Zey don't have shoezez...and zey don't even have home. All zey have is ONE abbel to eat (apple) And to tob it all, zey STILL sink zey are in Heaven!!!! Clearly, zeez two can only be Egybtion!

Thought provoking stories

Wonderful short ones, but very heavy in message conveyed.

The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!" So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well... where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!"

[Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]

 

 

The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last! For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left. Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years... six years...then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt."

[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]

 

The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were travelling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. "How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite." The big monk looked surprised and said, "I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?"

[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the "pretty lady" with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the "pretty lady". We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]