off tracked humor. . .

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development."

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher asked: "Is everybody ready with their assignment?

Go ahead Anita"
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so
far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! .......Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.
My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks "OK, tell me Johnny, what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"
As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him,

His bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,

"Honey, the prisoner is out again!". The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

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The Whole Truth

In a trial, in a small town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the
Bible, so help her God.

She says I do.

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said,

"If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

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There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all day.

One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and sees it's going to be bad weather all day.

He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?!"

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,

"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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