Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

NO OFFENCE INTENDED, TAKE IT LIGHT & ENJOY THE JOKE...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise 


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths. 
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. 
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases. 

Sincerely yours,

P. Niss 

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The Response 

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. 
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the 
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. 
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina 

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

“Some things you just can't explain"

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't> explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.""Okay", said the man "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," The farmer replied "I took her > left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain. I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. “Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..................

“Some things you just can't explain"



Have a wonderful day!

good one . . .

One day Laloo was travelling by his car outside Patna. He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet came before the car. 

The driver couldn't hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed in the accident. At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset. He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon. Usko dhundke lav". 

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after some inordinately longtime with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!! 

Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye,aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Itni der se... baat kya hai?" 

At this the driver replied". I told them about the incident. Hearing it, they rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money." 

Laloo then asked him, "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?" 

The driver replied: 
  
  
"Main bas itna hi bol paya, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai......... ."

Coincidence or what???

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence, but...


2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - 
Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - 
Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - 
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.



Has anyone else noticed this?  ...


It gets worse next year...   
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - 
what could possibly go wrong?

Little Annoyances ! ! !

When you let the little problems get you down, then you give the big problems the power to overwhelm you. When you constantly complain about things that don't really matter, You compromise your ability to successfully handle the things that do matter.

Whenever your day gets interrupted by an unexpected annoyance, you have a choice to make. You can let it poison your whole attitude, or you can actually use it to make you more positive and powerful.


Decide to laugh at the little problems, and to see each one as an opportunity for growth. Every minor annoyance that you quickly and successfully handle will strengthen your confidence.


That strong confidence will be extremely valuable when a major problem comes along. Even more importantly, that same confidence enables you to reach whatever goals you set for yourself.


If you're already in the habit of moving forward through the little challenges, that momentum will serve you well when the big challenges arrive. Every small problem provides you with a way to increase your positive momentum.


A day that is filled with little annoyances is a day that is rich with opportunities for real and lasting growth. Welcome those opportunities with a smile, and one by one they will make you stronger.

 

 

Hope your day is filled with little annoyances and filled with more smiles.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Think. . .

A seed while growing makes no sound. 
A tree when falling makes huge noise. 
Destruction shouts. Creation is always quiet. 
---------------------------------------
“The winner’s edge is not in a gifted birth, 
a high IQ, or in talent. The winner’s edge is all in the attitude, 
not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success.”
---------------------------------------
If you’re not prepared to be wrong, 
you’ll never come up with anything original.”
---------------------------------------
Apologizing doesn't mean that YOU are wrong & the other is right. 
It only means that YOU value the relationship much more than your EGO.
---------------------------------------
No one has ever won the game of chess always moving ahead.
Sometimes we have to move backwards to move ahead successfully
---------------------------------------
When you hire people who are smarter than you , 
you prove you are smarter than them. 
---------------------------------------

Kashmir belongs To INDIA. Funny Proof


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Take care and God bless.

Monday, May 11, 2009

SHARED THOTS............10.05.09. (HAPPY MOTHERS DAY)


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
THE SECOND SUNDAY OF MAY, IS CELEBRATED AS MOTHERS' DAY, AFTER PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON FIRST ENDORSED THIS IN EARLY 90'S...

TODAY BEING WORLD MOTHERS' DAY, THOT IT BEFITTING TO FORWARD THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE ... 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

MOTHER

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece. Please read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in leisure... Do not hurry....this is a treasure...

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful.
For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful.
For those who are moms, you'll love this.
For those who are not yet moms, you will remember this for long....

-----------------------------------------------
The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
'Is this the long way?' she asked.
And the guide said: 'Yes,
and the way is hard
And you will be old before
you reach the end of it..
But the end will be better
than the beginning.'

But the young mother was happy,
and she would not believe
that anything could be better
than these years.

So she played with her children,
and gathered flowers for them along the way,
and bathed them in the clear streams;
and the sun shone on them,
and the young Mother cried,
'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'

Then the night came,
and the storm, and the path was dark,

and the children shook with fear and cold,
and the mother drew them close
and covered them with her mantle,
and the children said,
'Mother, we are not afraid,
for you are near, and no harm can come.'

And the morning came,
and there was a hill ahead,
and the children climbed and grew weary,
and the mother was weary.
But at all times she said to the children,
'A little patience and we are there.'

So the children climbed,
and when they reached the top they said,
'Mother, we would not have done it without you.'

And the mother, when she lay down at night
looked up at the stars and said,
'This is a better day than the last,
for my children have learned fortitude
in the face of hardness.
Yesterday I gave them courage.
Today, I've given them strength.'

And the next day came strange clouds
which darkened the earth,
clouds of war and hate and evil,
and the children groped and stumbled,
and the mother said: '
Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.'

And the children looked and saw
above the clouds an everlasting glory,
and it guided them beyond the darkness.
And that night the Mother said,
'This is the best day of all,
for I have shown my children God.'

And the days went on,
and the weeks and the months and the years,
and the mother grew old
and she was little and bent.
But her children were tall and strong,
and walked with courage.

And when the way was rough,
they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather;
and at last they came to a hill,
and beyond they could see a shining road
and golden gates flung wide.

And mother said,
'I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end
is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk alone,
and their children after them.'

And the children said,
'You will always walk with us, Mother,
even when you have gone through the gates.'
And they stood and watched her
as she went on alone,
and the gates closed after her.

And they said:
'We cannot see her but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence.......'

Your Mother is always with you....
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street;
she's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks;
she's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from,
your first home;
and she's the map you follow
with every step you take.
She's your first love and your first heartbreak,
and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

This is dedicated to all mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers-laid to rest, to the men too, because they have mothers too....

May Your Day Be Blessed by the Love experienced from your Mother...

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY ! ! !

Careful when you vote!

John was in the fertilized egg business.
     
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
     
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
      
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
      
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
      
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
     
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
     
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
      
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
     
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
       
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
      
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
       
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
      
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
       
Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

problem at heaven and hell

The Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Malayalees up here in Heaven & they are causing problems.

 

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing lungis and  saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Toyota Corolla's, Nissan Sunny & privileged ones driving Prado & Mercedes instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.

 

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing & brewing illicit liquor!'

 

The Lord said, 'Malayalees are Malayalees. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

 

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK, I'm back. What can I do for you?'

 

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

 

After about 5 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this! Hold on.'

 

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Malayalees down here have put out the fire in hell and are trying to install air conditioning!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

SHARED THOTS......08.05.09. (The Tea Cup)

this is from the monthly mailer from my uncle Mohandas, the contents are real thought  provoking and if understood well, I am sure that our life would be better.

Its difficult for sure to follow 100% but if we give it a try to atleast make changes to our life to some percentage, it will definetly change the personality and the person one is.

anyways, now to the main content... read below...
==============================================

An inspirational Story,
(sent by our dear late M.B.Menon, on 17.02.05)

The Tea Cup

This is a great story that we could all benefit from.

It is a simple reminder of how "GOD" is the potter of our life and we are the clay. "GOD" is the shaper of each of our lives and when struggles seem overwhelming, we need to remind ourselves that these struggles serve a purpose in making us stronger, wiser, and in the perfect image that "GOD" has for each of His creations.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores.  They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful." As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke.

"You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup.There was a time when I was red and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Let me alone', but he only smiled, 'Not yet.'

"Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.'

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head, 'Not yet.'

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. 'There, that's better', I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded, 'Not yet.'

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one.This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the openin & nodding his head saying, 'Not yet.'

Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and I couldn't believe it was me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.'

'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.  I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you'.

MORAL: "GOD" knows what He's doing for all of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mould us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will, which we can never escape.

-----------------------------------
when next you see a tea-cup, remember, you are made to be what you are... a beautiful person.   

So be good.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

"Shall we go for a drink?"

The diagram here below shows the thought process in a MAN vs. WOMAN's brain when this simple question phrase is asked by their partner:



 "Shall we go for a drink?"

Women always complicate and they blame us for the reasons that we men do not understand at all !!!


----------------------------------------------------------
enjoy life and cheers ! ! !

Drinking Problem Solver


SymptomFaultAction Required
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.Glass empty.Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
Feet cold and wet.Glass being held at incorrect angle.Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.Improper bladder control.Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
Floor blurred.You are looking through bottom of empty glass.Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Floor swaying.Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Floor moving.You are being carried out.Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across itYou have fallen over backward.If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.You have fallen forward.See above.
Everything has gone dark.The Bar is closing.Panic.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.Cover mouth.
You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.You have spent the night in the gutter.Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

The Five Stages Of Drunkenness And Sobering Up


Drinking

  • Stage 1 - Clever: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This takes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

  • Stage 2 - Attractive: This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

  • Stage 3 - Rich: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

  • Stage 4 - Invincible: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

  • Stage 5 - Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

Sobering Up

  • Stage 1 - Stupid: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

  • Stage 2 - Ugly: Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

  • Stage 3 - Poor: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

  • Stage 4 - Fragile: As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

  • Stage 5 - Conspicuous: This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.


joke, courtesy of: http://www.rupissed.com

CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING


Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. 

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.