Alcohol jokes

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer. After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer. The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going to pay for the beers you drunk." The man answers "You see right now the problems start!" 

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A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees a girl named Suzy and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them and says "What are you doing?" And one guy turns and says "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good." 

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied, "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!" 

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The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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Free Drinks

Two Aussies, Bruce & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Ken's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.

All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling".

"It's alright for you", Ken replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

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Finding Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?". The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

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enjoy life and drink for enjoyment to urself and not for others.

CHEERS!

Business Update :

Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM 

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM and TO SELL CARS. 

In that case, WE WILL BE IN DEEP “.......” 

ALL THEY GIVE YOU IS THIS .................. 

&

we have to assemble the parts as per the instruction booklet.

How a marriage works...

How a marriage works..a repeat because it needs to be repeated!!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there' s swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


........and, they lived happily ever after.

Super Bowl Seat !

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl..

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."      

Money: Attention all economists

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

 

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.

 

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

 

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

 

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

 

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

 

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

 

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.

 

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there a catch here?

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. 

( I must admit, it's pretty good.) 

We always hear " the rules" 

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! 

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " 

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. 

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 

We need it up, you need it down. 

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 

or the changing of the tides. 

Let it be. 

1.. Crying is blackmail. 

1.. Ask for what you want. 

Let us be clear on this one: 

Subtle hints do not work! 

Strong hints do not work! 

Obvious hints do not work! 

Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 

Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something 

Or tell us how you want it done. 

Not both. 

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 

We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball 

or golf. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this.. 

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

Just Stay !!!

I received the below short story through mail and I thought that it was worthy to be placed online for a longer life.. . 

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A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

'Your son is here,' she said to the old man.

She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened,

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.  Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, he cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

'Who was that man?' he asked.

The nurse was startled, 'He was your father,' she answered.

'No, he wasn't,' the Marine replied. 'I never saw him before in my life..'

'Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?'

'I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here.

When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed.'

The next time someone needs you ... just be there.  Stay.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY.  RIGHT ?

HAVE A GREAT DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE ELSE IN SOME LITTLE WAY TODAY!

GOD IS SO GOOD.

life to death

Health is the first of life

Wealth is the next of life

Character's courage is the best of life

Respect is must in life

Turning is the test of life

God's blessing is the crest of life

Love is crucial for life

Happiness is the perfume of life

Truth is the search of life

Death is the rest of life.

A Small Story…

Came across this...found it really sweet & thought of sharing with you..... 

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed. 

The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised. 

That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble. 

Moral of the story: If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc. 

Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully. 

Judge yourself first

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.

That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this." 

The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "

I hope you do not hate your job ? ? ?

 

Read on . . .

 

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'  (Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days) Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:  'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized',

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not working the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS! ..........

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart; maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!

mmm...

" Whatever Mind Conceives and Intellect Believes, MAN will Definitely Achieve "                         "Do Not Rent Out Space in Mind to Others"

Sack Lunches

very interesting read and is makes one wonder, we crib so much about the luxuries, opportunities, career, love, friends and what not that we have in and what we have missed, but the soldiers out there in the cold and heat, are waiting to sacrifice their lives for us "the selfish". How can we re-pay, gotta think....

to the story now:

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat.  It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read and perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

 

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me.  I decided to start a conversation. ‘Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

 

'Petawawa.  We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan.

 

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars.  It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time….

 

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch.  'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch.  Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks.  I'll wait till we get to base  '

 

His friend  agreed.

 

I looked around at the other soldiers.  None were buying lunch.  I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill.  'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.'  She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly.  Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

 

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated.   She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

 

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked.  She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is yours with thanks.'

 

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room.  A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did.  I want to be part of it.  Here, take this.'  He handed me twenty-five dollars.

 

Soon after I  returned to my seat, I saw the Aircraft Pilot coming down the aisle, looking  at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but  noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand.  With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch.  It was an act of kindness I never forgot.'  I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

 

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs.  A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine.  He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

 

When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.  Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.  Another twenty-five dollars!

 

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base.  I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich.  God Bless You.'

 

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers.   As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return.  These soldiers were giving their all for our country.  I could only give them a couple of meals.

 

It seemed so little…

 

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to his country for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.'

 

That is Honor, and there are way too many people who no longer understand it.