Adult one liners

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.... .'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16... Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Kallu

I was just browsing thru some websites on Kallu (Toddy) and came across the below article, I must say that the experience is well drafted and it has just kindled my interest and curiosity to visit this place during my next visit to Kerala.

by the way, also visit this website of a kallu shaap "Mulla panthal"; http://www.mullapanthal.com/

The 'kallu shaap' (toddy bar) experience

I grew up in Kerala but never went to a local toddy bar, never had sea food in a restaurant and never had any ayurveda treatments done. Once I stepped out of Kerala, the curiosity arose and I wanted to try everything Kerala is known for. I had never tasted toddy and more importantly never seen a kallu shaap ... it was this unspoken men-only place I occasionally saw in malayalam movie clips. During my last trip to India, I asked some friends for good seafood restaurants. The recommended upscale places turned out to cater too much to non-keralites especially to the foreigners. And so the taste was far removed from authentic Kerala style seafood. The other strong recommendation was toddy bars which came with a warning "ofcourse you can't go"

My brother in law discovered this place called mulla (jasmine) panthal (roof) in cochin, which apparently has a website & even an orkut community dedicated to it. Before going we called up and were briefed about the place by a friendly manager who said it was fine for "families" (meaning women folk) to visit and they were given separate rooms but that it essentially was a bar. And so my sister, brother in law and I set off for lunch at this place. It was a much longer drive than we expected and stopped at several places to ask for directions and everybody just pointed ahead asking us to drive ahead further. Reminded me of the "abhi dilli (delhi) door hai" episode. Finally far from the main roads, in an alley lay our destination. Yeah it was a Harold & Kumar's white castle moment.

The usher helped us park the car and showed us the way in. We were seated in a room and briefed about how their toddy was made. We were then served with an earthen pot full of toddy (2 litres as we discovered later) and glasses. Toddy smells repulsive and tastes even worse, to the untrained palate such as mine. Once we settled in we ordered a whole range of dishes includingkarimeen (pearl spot) fry, prawns, kappa (tapioca), kokku (crane or stork from description) & duck (my first time). The food was delicious, a banquet I must say. Tears flowed profusely, sweat trickeled down our bodies but there was no stopping us from munching the super spicy prawns. Once I was done with food, I was curious to see what the rest of the bar looked like. So I asked the man in the group to accompany me, my sister was too stuffed to walk. The place looked busy & big. I suspect not all local bars are this big or spacious. The food was inexpenisve compared to any other place I have been to but some local folks say that for a kallu shaap its expensive. I am positive I will go back there atleast once more during this trip.

That is one more thing knocked off the to-do-before-I-die list.

the above article is from: http://www.thinkingms.com/dolly/CommentView.aspx?guid=d1a84362-8d99-431f-a884-68295cc41fac

Some pictures

Roles in Heaven:

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assurance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
! ;Internet Explorer WWWF

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

Adam & Eve's nationality (humor)

To those that live/lived in the Arab world this is a good one...

WHAT NATIONALITY WERE ADAM AND EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN HEAVEN???

A German, a Frenchman and an Egyptian went to an art museum.They were standing in front of the painting ofAdam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The German said:'They have perfect body and muscles.They must be German!'

The Frenchman said:'C'est Impossible! They are so sexy. She so feminine, He's somasculine...They must be French!'

Finally the Egyptian said:'La ya habibi... zey don't have clozez... Zey don't have shoezez...and zey don't even have home. All zey have is ONE abbel to eat (apple) And to tob it all, zey STILL sink zey are in Heaven!!!! Clearly, zeez two can only be Egybtion!

Thought provoking stories

Wonderful short ones, but very heavy in message conveyed.

The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!" So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well... where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!"

[Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]

 

 

The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last! For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left. Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years... six years...then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt."

[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]

 

The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were travelling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. "How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?" thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. "How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite." The big monk looked surprised and said, "I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?"

[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the "pretty lady" with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the "pretty lady". We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]

Inspirational Story "Last 3 lessons of King Alexander...

There is very instructive incident involving the life of Alexander, the Greek king. Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence. He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So,

The mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last. He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon,

I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail." With tears flowing down .Their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king's last wishes.

"My first desire is that," said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry my coffin." After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury.

"The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin."The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But no one dare bring the question to their lips. Alexander's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?"

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt.

 

Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of  King Alexander... I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted..

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world."

With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon helet death conquer him and breathed his last. . . . .

 

 

Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones." Remember this always in life.

 

What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "

As a daily habit Tintu was reading newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "

"It's like..." father said while thinking, "See! I earn and bring money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?".

That day Tintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matrices so he was crying. Tintu went to woke-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Tintu went to the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping with the maid. So he came back with frustration.

Next morning father asked Tintu, " Hey Tintu Darling! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".

Tintu replied, "Yeah Dad, I understood! When Money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man is suffering!"