Husband and Wife jokes. . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.......

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window..

He smashed himself on the ground, ! ran through a thorn bush and to his car ! as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

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One morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather ! would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested! , "How a bout the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors..

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started.

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Courtesy: http://www.jokesy.com/

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

NO OFFENCE INTENDED, TAKE IT LIGHT & ENJOY THE JOKE...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths. 

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. 

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases. 

Sincerely yours,

P. Niss 

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The Response 

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. 

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the 

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. 

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina 

“Some things you just can't explain"

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't> explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.""Okay", said the man "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," The farmer replied "I took her > left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain. I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. “Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..................

“Some things you just can't explain"



Have a wonderful day!

good one . . .

One day Laloo was travelling by his car outside Patna. He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet came before the car. 

The driver couldn't hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed in the accident. At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset. He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon. Usko dhundke lav". 

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after some inordinately longtime with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!! 

Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye,aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Itni der se... baat kya hai?" 

At this the driver replied". I told them about the incident. Hearing it, they rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money." 

Laloo then asked him, "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?" 

The driver replied: 

  

  

"Main bas itna hi bol paya, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai......... ."

Coincidence or what???

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence, but...

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - 

Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - 

Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - 

Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has anyone else noticed this?  ...

It gets worse next year...   

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - 

what could possibly go wrong?

Little Annoyances ! ! !

When you let the little problems get you down, then you give the big problems the power to overwhelm you. When you constantly complain about things that don't really matter, You compromise your ability to successfully handle the things that do matter.

Whenever your day gets interrupted by an unexpected annoyance, you have a choice to make. You can let it poison your whole attitude, or you can actually use it to make you more positive and powerful.

Decide to laugh at the little problems, and to see each one as an opportunity for growth. Every minor annoyance that you quickly and successfully handle will strengthen your confidence.

That strong confidence will be extremely valuable when a major problem comes along. Even more importantly, that same confidence enables you to reach whatever goals you set for yourself.

If you're already in the habit of moving forward through the little challenges, that momentum will serve you well when the big challenges arrive. Every small problem provides you with a way to increase your positive momentum.

A day that is filled with little annoyances is a day that is rich with opportunities for real and lasting growth. Welcome those opportunities with a smile, and one by one they will make you stronger.

 

 

Hope your day is filled with little annoyances and filled with more smiles.

Think. . .

A seed while growing makes no sound. 

A tree when falling makes huge noise. 

Destruction shouts. Creation is always quiet. 

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“The winner’s edge is not in a gifted birth, 

a high IQ, or in talent. The winner’s edge is all in the attitude, 

not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success.”

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If you’re not prepared to be wrong, 
you’ll never come up with anything original.”

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Apologizing doesn't mean that YOU are wrong & the other is right. 
It only means that YOU value the relationship much more than your EGO.

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No one has ever won the game of chess always moving ahead.
Sometimes we have to move backwards to move ahead successfully

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When you hire people who are smarter than you , 

you prove you are smarter than them. 

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Kashmir belongs To INDIA. Funny Proof

 

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

 

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

 

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

 

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water...

 

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them..'

 

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then..'

 

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

 

And they say Kashmir belongs to them... 

 

Take care and God bless.

SHARED THOTS............10.05.09. (HAPPY MOTHERS DAY)

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THE SECOND SUNDAY OF MAY, IS CELEBRATED AS MOTHERS' DAY, AFTER PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON FIRST ENDORSED THIS IN EARLY 90'S...

TODAY BEING WORLD MOTHERS' DAY, THOT IT BEFITTING TO FORWARD THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE ... 

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MOTHER

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece. Please read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in leisure... Do not hurry....this is a treasure...

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful.

For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful.

For those who are moms, you'll love this.

For those who are not yet moms, you will remember this for long....

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The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

'Is this the long way?' she asked.

And the guide said: 'Yes,

and the way is hard

And you will be old before

you reach the end of it..

But the end will be better

than the beginning.'

But the young mother was happy,

and she would not believe

that anything could be better

than these years.

So she played with her children,

and gathered flowers for them along the way,

and bathed them in the clear streams;

and the sun shone on them,

and the young Mother cried,

'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'

Then the night came,

and the storm, and the path was dark,

and the children shook with fear and cold,

and the mother drew them close

and covered them with her mantle,

and the children said,

'Mother, we are not afraid,

for you are near, and no harm can come.'

And the morning came,

and there was a hill ahead,

and the children climbed and grew weary,

and the mother was weary.

But at all times she said to the children,

'A little patience and we are there.'

So the children climbed,

and when they reached the top they said,

'Mother, we would not have done it without you.'

And the mother, when she lay down at night

looked up at the stars and said,

'This is a better day than the last,

for my children have learned fortitude

in the face of hardness.

Yesterday I gave them courage.

Today, I've given them strength.'

And the next day came strange clouds

which darkened the earth,

clouds of war and hate and evil,

and the children groped and stumbled,

and the mother said: '

Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.'

And the children looked and saw

above the clouds an everlasting glory,

and it guided them beyond the darkness.

And that night the Mother said,

'This is the best day of all,

for I have shown my children God.'

And the days went on,

and the weeks and the months and the years,

and the mother grew old

and she was little and bent.

But her children were tall and strong,

and walked with courage.

And when the way was rough,

they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather;

and at last they came to a hill,

and beyond they could see a shining road

and golden gates flung wide.

And mother said,

'I have reached the end of my journey.

And now I know the end

is better than the beginning,

for my children can walk alone,

and their children after them.'

And the children said,

'You will always walk with us, Mother,

even when you have gone through the gates.'

And they stood and watched her

as she went on alone,

and the gates closed after her.

And they said:

'We cannot see her but she is with us still.

A Mother like ours is more than a memory.

She is a living presence.......'

Your Mother is always with you....

She's the whisper of the leaves

as you walk down the street;

she's the smell of bleach

in your freshly laundered socks;

she's the cool hand on your brow

when you're not well.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.

And she's crystallized in every tear drop.

She's the place you came from,

your first home;

and she's the map you follow

with every step you take.

She's your first love and your first heartbreak,

and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

This is dedicated to all mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers-laid to rest, to the men too, because they have mothers too....

May Your Day Be Blessed by the Love experienced from your Mother...

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HAPPY MOTHERS DAY ! ! !

Careful when you vote!

John was in the fertilized egg business.

     

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

     

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

      

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

      

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

      

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

     

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

     

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,

bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

      

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

     

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

       

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

      

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

       

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

      

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

       

Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible...

problem at heaven and hell

The Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Malayalees up here in Heaven & they are causing problems.

 

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing lungis and  saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Toyota Corolla's, Nissan Sunny & privileged ones driving Prado & Mercedes instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.

 

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing & brewing illicit liquor!'

 

The Lord said, 'Malayalees are Malayalees. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

 

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK, I'm back. What can I do for you?'

 

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

 

After about 5 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this! Hold on.'

 

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Malayalees down here have put out the fire in hell and are trying to install air conditioning!