Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s … out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

2. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". And finally...

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Orkut - Use it wisely

Dear Friend...

Few days back in Mumbai Mirror Daily, it is written that so many terrorists and under world people has got connecting through orkut. Like Davood Ibrahim, Chotta Shakkil, ...........so many people are getting new man power through Orkut only. The IB has started their investigations. So please reduce the contacts through Orkut.

It is usual that we receive friend request from unknown people. But if you actually do not know that person it is good to reject that request. Because if one terrorist is found by Police, his entire friend's list will be carefully followed. And if you are there, you also will be in trouble.

So be careful! Also forward it to all your friends. This information is true. It is written in the front page of Mumbai Mirror Daily.

You may be thinking that why these people adding so many friends through orkut. It is simply because to mislead the Police. When they(Police) get a huge friend list they will be concentrating on them. They may be innocent people. At that time the real terrorists can escape. So friends, please forward this information to all you know.

Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s … out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". And finally...

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Chanakya 's Quotes - Worth Learning !!!

Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)

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"A person should not be too honest.
Straight trees are cut first
and Honest people are screwed first."

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"Even if a snake is not poisonous,
it should pretend to be venomous."

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"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. If you cannot keep secret with you , do not expect that other will keep it. !

It will destroy you."

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"There is some self-interest behind every friendship.
There is no Friendship without self-interests.

This is a bitter truth."

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"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful.

Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."

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"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."

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"Once you start a working on something,
don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it.
People who work sincerely are the happiest."

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"The fragrance of flowers spreads
only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."

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"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."

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"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years.

For the next five years, scold them.
By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend.
Your grown up children are your best friends."

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"Education is the best friend.
An educated person is respected everywhere.
Education beats the beauty and the youth."

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Who wants to be a PIG???

Hey guys !!!!

Who wants to be a PIG???

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...In other words, send it to everyone!

Ladies !! Watch out what you say ? ? ?

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the Breeding bull exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a Sign attached that said, "This bull mated 52 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 52 times last year? ....once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 125 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than Twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third Pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly Broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY Learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Common Sense-Applicable only for those outside India

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary -Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a bandage to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Sardar jokes

Thanks Ganga for sending me these jokes.


Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".

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Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"

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Boss : I am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it ok?
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is ok .......but?? how much is DRIVING salary...?

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Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!

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2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

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Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post office....

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Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

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A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

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2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

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