Good One!!!

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.""What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

------------------------------------------------

Wonder what would have the reaction of his wife at this point

English is phunny!!!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Eyes and Friendship

Do you know the relationship between two eyes..?

They blink together,
They move together,
They cry together,
They see things together And
They sleep together

BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER.. That's what friendship is..........

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

BUT

But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open........

Moral of the story

Girls can break even the best of friendships!!!


PS - Any comments from the girls ??

Some thing interesting...

1. 5 minutes ago you were traveling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are traveling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance, you wish there was 'undo (ctrl + Z)' in life!

2. You are already late, and your key is missing, you wish there was 'find tool (ctrl+F)' in life!

3. You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, you wish there was 'rebuild all' in life!

4. The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'zoom & view full screen' in life!

5. After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch, you wish there was an valuation period' or at least a 'sample download' or a 'demo version'!

6. One day you realize that you are turning bald, you wish there was 'cut and paste (ctrl + X)/(ctrl+C)'inlife!

And the best one is ..........

7. The best part of the keyboard is U & I are together which is not always there in life......

Laws of Coincidence!!!

LAW OF COFFEE:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of bathroom:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Good one...

Once a man went to a Veterinary (Animal) Doctor and said:
Doctor I came on vacation so that I can get treated.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic

Man: No, I want u 2 treat me.

Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist.

Man: I know, but I want you to treat me.

Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me and think like me which means you are a human, not an animal.

Man: I know I am same and I am a human but the problem is I get up in the morning like a horse, I go to work like a deer, I work all day like a donkey, I wag my tail in front of my manager like a dog, I play with my children like a monkey, I am like a rabbit in front of my wife.

Doctor asked: Do you work in DUBAI ?

Man: Yes

Doctor yelled: Come, no body can treat you better than me !!!

Husband n Wife!!!

Come Home

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You
see, his name is Bill
________________________________

Why divorce

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him

________________________________

Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now"

_________________________________

Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man
_________________________________

Why

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax:

Beer or Women? A man's dilemma....

A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (it depends on your point of view...)

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!

The older beer is the better.
1 point for beer!

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!

For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!

You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!

You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!

A beer doesn't have a nagging mom.
1 point for beer!

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!

FINAL SCORE: Beer beats women. (8 to 6)

If you're a woman and getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.

Another point for beer! Final score: 9 to 6.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I sum up by saying that both Women and Beer is needed, just that the importance will keep varying from time to time.

5 lessons in life to be learnt...

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.


In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.

The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.


Most importantly.................. "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

NOW more than ever - Peace...Pass It On.....

Psalm 100

A psalm. from the bible, For giving thanks.

¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

² Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

³ Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

from the website: http://bibleresources.bible.com/bible_read.php

intercom fiasco. . .

A guy is spending the holidays with his girlfriend's family. They're sleeping in separate bedrooms, and one night before they go off to bed the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Baby, would you give me a Lay?"

"Are you crazy?" she says. "My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

This goes on for a minute or two when, out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a Lay. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down and do it himself. But for fuck's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

Oops . . .

A guy is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, and he really should remember someone so beautiful. So he asks her, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my balls with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?"

"No," she says. "I'm your son's math teacher."

Drunken wisdom...

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving the neighborhood pub.

While viewing the bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.

"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock" the drunk answered.

"A talking clock, seriously?!" asked the astonished friend.

"Yup" answered the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the drunk answered.

He picked up a large wooden mallet that was lying alongside the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!! IT'S 10 PAST 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

Smart thinkin...

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Take it light....

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills. He said that if they blindfolded him, he could recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, after locating the bullet hole, could even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said he was willing to prove it if the other patrons would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and said, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again. Through the
night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and fell asleep. The next morning he saw in the mirror that he had a huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties and yelled, 'Skunk. Killed with an axe.'"

A wonderful joy is now flooding my heart,
Giving assurance that will not depart.
My Savior is living and reigning above;
Life has rich meaning because of His love.

Bosch



http://www.rbc.org/

SHARED THOTS. 7.04.06

Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter asked for a job in a timber merchant, and he got it. His salarywas really good and so were the working conditions.For that reason, the woodcutter was determined to dohis best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to fell the trees.

The first day, the woodcutter brought 15 trees.

"Congratulations," the boss said. "Carry on with your work!"

Highly motivated by the words of his boss, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but he only could bring 10 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but he was only able to bring 7 trees. Day after day he was bringing less and less trees.

"I must be losing my strength", the woodcutter thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

"When was the last time you sharpened your axe?" the boss asked.

"Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees..."

Most of us NEVER update our skills. We think that whatever we have learned is very much enough. But good is not good when better is expected. Sharpening our skills from time to time is the key to success.
==============================================

During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, "Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen."

After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, "Well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one."! Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

"Hah," he thought. "What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor."

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while.

"Lord, forgive me," prayed the young man. "I had forgotten that in you a spider's web is stronger than a brick wall."

We all face times of great trouble. When we do, it is so easy to forget the victories that God would work in our lives, sometimes in the most surprising ways.
=================================================

WHO DOES GOOD AND IS ANXIOUS TO HAVE IT KNOWN HAS STILL A ROOT OF EVIL IN HIS GOOD.
---------------
THE BEST VISION IS INSIGHT.
---------------
PARENTING IS TEACHING YOUNG PEOPLE TO BE THEIR OWN PARENTS.

U r my friend. . .

To everyone: I don't care how many times you receive this email- feel special every time you do because everyone that sends it to you think and know that you are special to them.

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

SO NOW I WILL SAY:

I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend.

And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint.

Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you.

Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow.

It could be anywhere -- AOL, Yahoo, outside of school, anywhere.

Get ready for the biggest shock of your life.

Please send to 15 people in 15 minutes.

Remember:

"A good friend will come bail you out of jail....

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ...

WE screwed up, but we had fun! "

Proud to be your Friend!

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead.

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day.

What makes me think I can?

I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

It's National Friendship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.

If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I am honoured

Daughter In-Law

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered!

They don't come to change the family.

*****

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:

“My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine.

No, I will never do that, never in a million years".

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

"What I mean that is (looking at her father-in-law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and Those who used to clean should continue cleaning".

“Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother-in law. "As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

Sex in the Dark...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."